How to Start the Conversation you Don't want to Have
- Margot Hillier Twomey
- Nov 6, 2018
- 2 min read
Updated: Nov 23, 2018
Some ideas on communicating your thoughts and concerns to people you trust.

For a long time, puberty has been taboo to talk about. People have been made to feel ashamed for having questions and needing answers. That's super unfair to you, because the best way to prevent the problems associated with early puberty is to have open, honest conversations about what to expect and how to handle all this mental and physical change. Kids of all genders need this information - it's really okay to make the boys feel uncomfortable if it means everybody gets to learn. Usually, boys want to know about this stuff just as much as you do! In my study, I asked all 100 participants if they felt like they had someone to talk to during puberty, and only 64 said yes. That means that 36% of those individuals do not remember feeling securely able to talk to someone.

"Puberty is different for everyone. Don't assume that if you're uncomfortable, everyone else is. Be real with doctors and parents about how you feel and what's bothering you."
Here are some ideas for how to start those conversations you don't want to have:
1. Remember that everyone goes through it. All the adults you know have been exactly where you are! If you don't want to ask questions directly about yourself, ask a person you trust if they remember what it felt like to get their period, or to wonder if their breasts were normal. They will be happy to guide you through those thoughts and questions.
2. Having questions is normal. 10-year-olds usually have between 80-100 questions per day. Imagine having all those questions and nowhere to ask them! If you have a puberty-related question, chances are most other kids have the same one. When you're asking your questions someone you trust, remind them that everybody wonders about things that are important to them, and it's really hard to concentrate when you can't find the answer.
3. You deserve to understand your body. Just because nobody talks about bodies doesn't mean you shouldn't understand them. You have the right to know what's happening inside your brain and body as you go through puberty. When you're starting a conversation with someone about puberty, tell them you need to be able to prepare for the changes that will happen. You deserve up-to-date information on yourself. If an adult doesn't have the answer, you can ask them to help you look it up and you can learn together. Remember: your body, your choice.
4. Feeling uncomfortable for 15 minutes today is worth feeling confident for the next couple years you're going through puberty. When you don't have support to help you understand puberty, especially early puberty, you have a higher chance of developing disorders like depression and low self-esteem. While it's okay to have them, it's much better to be able to prevent them while you can. When you're starting a conversation about puberty, remind yourself that the discomfort you feel will end when the conversation ends, but the knowledge you gain will last forever.
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